the thought to which all thoughts eventually return, as if it were the bottom of the cognitive bowl

See also: The Monster

I wish my mind were larger. Certainly it is larger than most people's; during manic episodes it feels like I can fit entire other human minds inside my own, and maybe that is not entirely mere arrogance. But it's not enough, it will never be enough, life is not graded on a curve. I can't fit in all the concepts, can't work tirelessly and efficiently and self-improvingly.

How is so weak and imperfect a creature as individual man, isolated and wretched, shorn from community, ejected from egregore and unable to assimilate, supposed to make the world a better place? It would be hard enough if I were some competent ubermensch unsurpassed in self-control and diligence, but I am a languid slovenly slob barely able to brush my teeth or shower. Again and again I return to this thought. I can't escape. Multidimensional metasphex.


  1. Acceptance before change is possible is a theme that pops up again and again in my travels through psychotherapy, phenomenology, and various Eastern flavors of self modification. I'd be happy to chat about various models of sticking points via Skype or im if you like. Also, tianeptine etc.

  2. Proficiency at manipulating symbols and concepts, and even thinking correctly (rationality) are not sufficient for effecting change.

    In fact they are not necessary at all, but they help if you want to make good changes.

    You seem like an intelligent fellow; the problem is not there. Rather, you seem to lack motivation (or if you want to pull up a heavier word: meaning). This is not motivation as "the rationale for action", but the gut feeling that you're doing good. It's the thing that keeps you going. It's what people talk about with all their mumbo jumbo of "having heart".

    Meaning is a poorly defined concept. Sure, your actions are meaningful to you and others. But the idea that life taken has a whole has *A* meaning, has made many people unhappy.

    Also why do you want to make the world a better place? It feels like a meme, not something someone would have a natural inclination to do. Of course, we all can do what we can, but the expression implies going out of one's way to have an impact. Such a high and poorly defined expectation seems like a recipe for disaster.

    So get motivated! (How is a whole other can of worms, I'd be happy to expound.)